An Open Letter to My Son

Dear Little Man,

You know, there are times when I look at you and I know that when you get older you are going to ask me what happened with our family. Growing up, I was grateful that you were so well adjusted to our separation. You mother and I, regardless of our differences, always agreed that nothing good would come of putting you in the middle of our problems. I will always be grateful for that; even your school teachers said that your behavior in school seemed to get better once we separated and I moved out of the house.

So now that you've become a man, you've asked me several times what happened between us. Each time, I've told you I'll tell you when you're older. When you're old enough to drive; when you're old enough to drink. Well, I'm sorry; I still don't think the time is right for you to know the details. One of the things I have always done is honored your mother for you, just as she has done for me. Our problems remain our problems; and this is something that you will need to learn to accept over time. When we are peers and you have been married, had a child, created a career, and carved your place in life then we can talk about this. As corny as it sounds, you still have too much to learn and experience. It's simply not the right time, and I hope you can understand.

Now, with that in mind I want you to live and benefit from my mistakes. I want you to learn from them, and not have to relive them. You've told me about being in love, and how your relationships are getting more serious. I'm happy for you, and excited for the opportunities that are in front of you. A good relationship will enhance your life. It will give you insight into aspects of yourself that hide from the world, and empower you to achieve more. The flip side of that is that a bad relationship will limit you; it will whittle you down to a sliver of yourself. Given who you are, you will know when things are right and when you have a good thing going. Its hard, sometimes though, to understand when things are bad; when it is time to move on. Here is some advice on when / why to move on:

Remember that relationships don't define you. They don't determine who you are. They describe where we are in life, and demonstrate what we value. Its ok for this to change over time, and when it changes its ok to recognize, accept it, and move on. If you find that your relationships define you, then maybe you have forgotten who you are. Don't let that happen.

This is going to sound like a cliche, but sex is not love. Great sex should be celebrated, but it cannot be the basis for a relationship. If you have not experienced this yet, you will soon and will know exactly what I mean (this is one of those things that you will know when you know). Ride it out for however long you can, but be real about what you have. Remember: a kiss is not a contract.

If you find yourself "hoping" your relationship will change, leave. Hope on its own has never changed anything; it certainly cannot change people. If you think that "waiting" for someone to change or that they will "see the light" at some point is noble, think again. In relationships, chumps hope. Now, at some point in your life you may find someone that you feel is worth your "hope" because when things are good, they are better than anything you have lived through or experienced. As a father, I want you to know that this will be your cross to bear, and it will be your choice alone to value this person more than yourself.

Does she say she loves you, but act differently (like she resents you, for example)? What people say and what they do can sometimes be very different. If they are, look out. You want to be with someone that lives congruently; whose actions are aligned with their emotions, thoughts, and goals. If she loves you but likes to put you down, walk away. Does she need to be right or have the last word? Does she feel the need to elevate herself above you (for whatever reason)? Does she put you down when she feels bad? If so, she has contempt for you at some level. Walk away.

Its smart to walk away from a bad thing, and trust your instincts when they tell you something is bad for you. Your instincts are right more often than we give them credit for; respect and hone them. Walking away takes courage and conviction; it takes strength and will. Believe in yourself and trust your instincts.

Nothing is more important than loving, respecting, and nurturing yourself. If you don't love yourself, no one will love you back. If you do not respect yourself, people will not respect you. If you do not nurture yourself, you will not learn, grow, or evolve. I feel that these three things are keys to living; I didn't learn this until my 30's. Hopefully you have learned it already.

Kid, you have always been the greatest gift my life has experienced. I am honored to be your father, and hope your understand the things I am talking about in this letter. I will always be here for you.

With Love and Respect,

Dad

Evolution Example: Where Is Your Wedding Ring These Days?

To this day I think the proudest moment of my life was expressing my wedding vows. I remember the pride and power I felt; almost like a mountain. On that day, I knew my purpose, my reason for breathing, and had this cool confidence that grounded me. Everything seemed to move a bit slower; and while things around me were a little crazy, I never felt consumed or impacted by it. For me, saying my vows culminated the day and made the marriage real for me. Take the ceremony away, forget the reception, and erase the honeymoon. What made the event concretely real for me were the two minutes we used to exchange the vows we wrote for each other. In all my life, I do not think that I have said anything else with so much passion and honesty; and when we were done, it was my wedding ring that for years would server as a reminder of the person I was that day. Of the person I had pledged to be.

Well, my how things change over the years.

So I do not wear my wedding ring any more. To be honest, I do not even know where it is. I stopped wearing it minutes after I told my wife I wanted a divorce and sincerely meant it. Now, one thing about my wedding ring is that it honestly was among my most prized possessions. I took it off maybe five times in all of the years we were together. What it symbolized for me was tangible as well. The ring had an interesting design; there was an inner band to my wedding band that allowed me to "twirl" it with my thumb. I would do this when I was nervous, thinking hard, looking for inspiration, or grounding. When I spun the ring, I could faintly smell the perfume my wife wore on our wedding day (it was powdery, with a touch of flowers). The ring was not expensive, but it represented the resolve and commitment I had regarding out marriage. Thus, it was only fitting that I remove it when my marriage had finally failed.

Hindsight being what it is, I removed my ring originally out of anger and spite. I took it off, and left it on my entertainment center for days. I wanted my wife to see it; I wanted her to understand that I was at the end of our relationship; that she had made a mistake treating me the way that she did. I wanted her to feel hurt when she saw my ring on our shelf, and eventually in my sock drawer. When I moved all my things out of the house, I left my ring on the kitchen table. I refused to take it with me. I wanted her to see that I had abandoned it; that I had abandoned the idea of our marriage. I now realize how wrong and petty I was with that. Divorce is such an ugly, painful process. We end up hurting or trying to hurt each other because of the pain we feel and cause.

So if you are curious when it is appropriate to remove your wedding ring, remember that this decision should not be trite or trivial. The ring represents something you vowed to own, an ideal that you chose to live up to. Removing the ring is a broken promise. It is a resounding "no", and (chances are) something that will at least initially hurt your spouse. It is a rejection. But rather than look at this act as the end of your relationship, chose to view it as the continuation or evolution of your life. Removing your ring is the start of something new; the announcement that in the face of no evidence you are will to change your life. Be empowered by this experience, and do not look upon it with guilt. Think about the following:

• Your wedding ring is not an obligation; it is a pledge or oath of commitment. If you feel that, for whatever reason, you cannot live up to the ideals that embody your ring and marriage, then remove it. Don't live a lie; it will hurt you more than you will understand in the moment.
  
• If you no longer honor or respect your spouse, remove it. You cannot have a relationship without these emotions and values; pretending that you can only perpetuates the painful.
  
• If you look at your ring resentfully, remove it. Remember that the ring can be a symbol. Remember that your ring represents your relationship and spouse. If you look at your ring and feel overwhelming resentment then consider taking it off.
  
• If the negative aspects of your marriage have begun to define how you feel about yourself, remove it. Over time, we sometimes define ourselves not by who we are, but rather by the circumstances around us. We convince ourselves that we are good people when things go well, and bad people when they do not. This is not reality; its conformity.

For me, my ring originally represented the ideals behind which I chose to marry. It was an iconographic representation of how I wanted to measure my relationship. Over time, though, that ideal changed to one of commitment, then responsibility, then obligation, and eventually debt. In a marriage, you should not feel obligated to your spouse. In life, we have “get to” opportunities; things that we do not have to do, but rather choose to do. Marriage, in my view, is not a “have to”; it’s a “get to”. Obligations indicate a lack of choice; well, marriage is a choice; commitment is a choice. When marriage becomes a “have to” is a sign that problems exist.Now, in divorce, we experience a n array of negative emotions typically associated with loss; anger, frustration, resentment to name a few. When we feel these emotions, we tend to react. Do not let your wedding ring removal be a reaction to something your spouse has done. Let it be a decision or choice that you have made which defines the direction you have chosen in life. Removing your ring should not be the end of your marriage; it should represent the beginning of your new life.

When I removed my ring, I was sad; but I knew it was right. When I look back on the experience and get through the anger I had, the hurt I felt, and the resentment that filled me, part of me immediately acknowledged that it was time. It was right. It was the first step in my evolution. Did I miss it? Yes, of course. Even today, I still find myself looking at my ring finger and seeing if there is a faint tan line / outline left (there isn't). But now, I recognize and understand that I missed the idea behind my relationship; not my spouse or the relationship we had. When I missed the ring, I missed the connected moments we had as equals and vulnerable, giving partners. Well, life moves on. You have to be willing to move with it, or it will leave you behind.

What Makes a Marriage Successful? Not Contempt.

I recently began reading Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell. In the book, Malcolm discusses the different ways that our mind and subconscious process information to come to snap decisions that do not require huge investments of time to achieve. Under these circumstances, time is not a factor or bottleneck in achieving an accurate decision / result; if anything, it is a benefit. Examples of this include intuition, or "gut" feelings about something in the face of what appears to be little or no empirical evidence. The process by which this occurs is called "thin slicing", and in the book Malcolm shows an example of how thin slicing is used to analyze whether marriages will be successful. The relationship study, performed by Dr. John Gottman, demonstrated that contempt, above all other emotions of relationship behaviors, was the leading cause of failed relationships among study subjects. If Dr. Gottman witnessed signs of contempt by either or both partners, he considered this the single most important sign that the relationship was in trouble.

As I continue to experience my divorce, I reflect on what made my marriage successful at times and I come back to the same things over and over. No judgment; no contempt. Contempt breeds resentment, and misplaced contempt breeds guilt. Judgments are righteous, and when we judge we look to conform someone to our point of view. Instead of judging, learn forgiveness. Instead of contempt, practice acceptance. My point, here, is that you must learn to maintain yourselves as equals. Regardless of what trials you experience, what success you share, never allow yourselves to put one of you above the other.

If one partner is valued more than the other in the relationship, then these negative relationship-eroding emotions will surface. Learn to accept each other; and remember to express compassion to one another during difficult times. Remember that compassion is not pity; compassion is the act of relieving a person's suffering. Sometimes we suffer because of the people around us, or even bring it upon ourselves. Try to notice this; pick up on it; point it out. Suffering takes many forms, and to deal with this in an unselfish way we must expression compassion to our partners. One of the greatest things we can do in a relationship is accept our partners at their weakest, act compassionate when our partners choose to express their suffering through anger, and forgive when they make mistakes.

Understand that by this am I in no way saying that this is all you need to have a successful marriage. Other emotions and relationship responsibilities are necessary including trust, love, respect, and consideration to name a few. Hindsight being what it is, though, the role of contempt in failed relationships makes complete sense to me. When I look at the relationships in my life whether they be related to work, friends, or partners, the ones that failed did so because either I or the other person expressed contempt towards each other in some way. Contempt is a viscous way of expressing resignation to another person in that it can be hidden or justified rather easily. It is ego driven since when we choose to express it, we are in effect stating "You are not as important as I am." Well, it is tough to maintain a relationship towing that line, isn't it?

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Note: This question was originally answered in Yahoo! Answers. You can view the original question and answers in the Marriage and Divorce community.

Evolution Example: What I Learned the Past 30 Days

Well, I'm been away from the blog for a while (my last post was over a month ago). During this time, I found myself straying from my "Laws of Evolution". It was funny since I have invested quite a bit in researching and articulating these laws. I believe in them implicitly. They work, provided that you can maintain the discipline and commitment necessary to follow through on them.

And there, in a nutshell, was my problem the last month. Too little discipline. Not enough commitment. Too much immediate gratification. Too much reaction. Not enough planning. Too much "need" for approval. Not enough forgiveness. Too much judgment.

So a few days ago, I received a comment to Law #5: Be Impeccable With Your Appearance. In the comment, dreamer asked if I follow my own advice? Well, to be honest. Yes, I really do. But unfortunately, not always. The considerations of life inevitably have a way to interrupt what you want and sometimes when this happens, commitment and discipline is not enough. Sometimes, you have to stick your finger in the dam and wait. Other times, you choose to ignore what has worked for you. You get in ruts, so to speak; like the one I was in this past month.

I was recently served divorce papers from my wife (her attorney sent them to my attorney), and while I was relieved that we had reached another milestone, the act of reading the papers and seeing this brought up emotions in me that I had not felt in a while. Remorse. Regret. Anger. Resentment. Guilt. Each of these emotions added up to a healthy dose of self-pity that had me doubting myself, my worth, and power. This was evident to me more and more in my day-to-day activities as well. I stopped going to the gym regularly; my workouts were inconsistent. My motivation was waning towards work and personal events. I began to respect my diet less, and would not practice discipline when eating (I work to and believe in eating healthy). I would procrastinate; satisfying my need for immediate gratification first. I started smoking again (after not smoking since March / 2007).

Then, one day, a great thing happened. I woke up, and just felt tired of being sub-par. While I was in a rut, I was at least disciplined enough to recognize it for what it was: something I did have control over. I could change this; I just needed to maintain my discipline, focus, and commitment. Rather than beat myself up over this or judge myself harshly, I recognized this time in my life for what it was. A hiccup: nothing more, nothing less. There was nothing to feel guilty about; nothing to beat-myself-up over. We're fallible, after all; this cannot be ignored.

I've started working out regularly again. I'm prioritizing the things in my life. I'm back to blogging (which I love and missed), and I am working to eliminate the need for immediate gratification in my life. I've quit smoking yet again. Every day, I try and build a little more positive momentum and energy than I had the previous one. Does it work all the time? Of course not. But the more I practice it, the more it does work. The laws do have value. Like with anything, it just takes a few key things to make them pay off for you. So when you find yourself in a rut and cannot seem to over come it, remember:

• Clearly define your expectations. Expectations count; they matter. When you live up to them you feel great; when you don't events can be perceived as a failure. If you want to change your life and break out of a rut, start by doing little things differently. Little things are much more manageable than large events, and the momentum you build with each individual success story will improve your confidence and ability to do more.
  
  
• Plan out your accomplishments. Remember, measurement is empowering and is the best way to identify if you are doing what is important to you. That being said, plan out a list of daily / weekly accomplishments you would like to execute on, and track what gets done. You cannot complete what you do not know or plan.
  
  
• Be congruent. Congruence means that your actions are aligned with your goals (ex. if you want to stop smoking, you'll stop buying cigarettes; if you want to lose weight, you'll eat better and exercise). Every day, you should check for congruence in your life. If you have it, then you are on your way to accomplishing your goals. If not, then you should reconsider their priority.
  
  
• Reserve judgment. While it is important to measure your progress and be critical of it, do not make the mistake of blaming yourself or holding yourself in low esteem because of a lack of personal progress. Nothing good comes of this. Absolutely nothing. Instead of passing judgment on yourself, take a moment to learn from your life events and apply that knowledge to further yourself.

Now I know this is much easier to talk about than it is to practice every day. Sometimes, all we can do is react. It is important to recognize, however, that we do have choices. We all have options; and how we perform in life (both personally and professionally) is tied to directly to the choices we make. Our relationships, our careers, and our growth is tied to this. So, do not take this for granted. Remember: not doing anything is a choice, and one that rarely gets us what we want.

Check It Out: Divorce and Evolution Yahoo! Group

I want to announce the creation of the "Divorce and Evolution Yahoo! Group" web site. I have added a link to the site to the "On the Web" sidebar (displayed to the right). You can also access the Yahoo! group at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/divorceandevolution/.

My hope is that the group becomes a place where people going through the divorce (both men and women) can post their stories, share their pictures, ask questions, and support each other in a compassionate but honest way without fear of judgment. Check it out and subscribe to the group.

Check It Out: Fear Of Flying? Oh Hell No!

So this, apparently, is how the "other side" copes with divorce. Doing some research yesterday, I ran into a blog titled "Fear of Flying? Oh Hell No!" In the words of the author:

Time for a BitchFest by Flying Solo
Why the fuck do some people think they need to feel sorry for me right now? I'm getting a divorce; it's not like anyone DIED! This is such a weird place I am in right now though. My friends are either hooked up in couples or are so far immersed into the single life that they aren't sure whether to start inviting me along or not and so I get shoved into the corner. I mean just because I am getting a divorce doesn't mean that I'm depressed or crazy or need to be left alone. I mean, this doesn't apply to all of my friends, but fuck, I feel like people just aren't understanding me right now. To some people, I mention the divorce and they clam up and don't want to talk about it (is she going to start crying, am I going to say something to offend - UM, NO!).

I'm still a fucking human being with needs, urges, moods (both happy and sad) and I just feel like so many people are afraid of me right now. I hate that life is so in limbo right now and that I don't have something stable to cling to. I just wish some people would realize that I'm still me - I'm just going through a shitty time and it would be nice to know that they are at least trying to understand me. I just want life to be normal again, but I know it won't be for a very long time to come.

And that, as they say is that. The blog documents Flying Solo's travels on the path of divorce where she writes about dating, men, sex, her relationship with her ex, life, and everything else that comes with it. Her posts are raw and passionate, and she is clearly about being empowered through this experience (which is hot). Men, check it out -- you may learn something about women that you do not know already.

Evolution Example: Plan A Divorce Party

Let me share with you a little bit about my divorce story.

Right before I moved out of my home and began our separation, I found out a number of disturbing things about my wife. I found out that she had tried to cheat on me at least once; that she had secretly been planning our divorce behind my back for months; and that she had hidden money from our joint savings account into her own personal account. On top of this, I found out that she had begun recording our conversations, and my interactions with my son (presumably, for the purpose of achieving leverage of some kind). I will be frank here; I was devastated. Depressed already by the fact that we were getting divorced, I felt betrayed and humiliated by what I was learning. She clearly did not respect me; if anything, she resented me as a husband. My contributions to our relationship were not appreciated or recognized. And at every turn, she began to paint herself the victim in this process - even though she had put events in motion months ago.

Here I was. Depressed. Angry. Upset. Empty. Drained. Devastated. Neglected. Loathing myself, and taking heaping mounds of self-pity on a daily basis to make things worse. Smoking one and a half packs of cigarettes a day. Crying for no reason. Sleeping barely. Hardly able to work and focus on anything more than "what did I do to deserve this and why is this happening to me I don't understand I must be worthless why do I still love her what is going to happen to me".

In speaking with my best friend, I had a moment of clarity and asked him for a favor.

"Dude, I need you to do something for me. I think this might help."
"Sure man, anything. You name it. Just name it. I hate seeing you like this." You could hear the anguish in his voice; he was sad to see me in so much pain, and clearly wanted to help.
"I want you to get our friends together and throw me a divorce party."
"A what?" He was puzzled, but curious in a "you've got to be kidding me" kind of way.
"Dude, just get our friends together at our favorite bar on Friday. Tell them it's a divorce party. The rest will take care of itself." I was very serious with these words, so he knew I was not joking. I wanted to see my friends, and have my friends see me as well.
"You got it. Hang in there, bud." His voice had changed at this point; he had a way to help that he understood. MBF and I had been through quite a bit at work, and I recognized that he decided to use his "let's get this done" voice.

The next week, MBF set up an eVite for my "Divorce Party". The day before the party, I went to Banana Republic and bought a new outfit. New boots, jeans, cool shirt, cologne, belt, socks. The works, basically. I wanted to look good, and take pride in my appearance (the last thing I wanted to do was show people how I had been feeling through my clothes). The whole experience of shopping for the outfit was interesting. I told the girls at the banana "Listen, I need an outfit. My friends are throwing a divorce party for me, and I want to look great." They chuckled, and were very helpful. Honestly, it was nice being open about this -- it was my first time discussing my divorce publicly outside of my circle of close friends and family.

The week leading up to the party, monitoring the guest list on eVite was like watching a stock climb; it was just one of the best things for me. Every day, a few more people we RSVP. Those that could make it were excited about it; those that could not always had encouraging words to share. First it was 5, then 10, then 15, 18, 24, 28. The day of the party, over 35 people showed up at our favorite bar. It made me cry, seeing how many people decided to come out and show their support. It also enlightened me, and showed me that divorce (like any other experience) can be empowering. This was not a "let's feel sorry for the divorced guy" party. Instead, it was a celebration of friendship, where my friends each took time to express their care and affection for me. They stood up for me; they told me that things would be ok; and offered their love, support, and guidance.

The party was perfect; exactly what I needed. I will never forget that evening, the people that came, and how happy everyone was to see each other. I hugged and kissed everyone goodbye, and said "thank you for coming." I think that was the first solid night of sleep I had in weeks.

So here is my advice to you. If you have not had one already, ask your friends to plan a divorce party for you. The divorce party is an opportunity to shed your negative feelings about the process, and embrace the positive aspects of your relationships with your friends. You can also be a little selfish, which is always a good thing during these times. Here are some things to remember:

• Plan the party in advance so that you can pull together the largest group possible.
  
• Use eVite or some other invitation site to manage RSVPs.
• Ask your best friend or some friend that you trust to coordinate the party for you.
• Buy a new outfit, get a haircut, and look your absolute best for the party.
  
• Let people buy you drinks, but do not drink your sorrows away. If anything, drink to embrace your friendships and celebrate the time you are spending together.

At my party, I had three rules that I told everyone. These rules needed to be followed, and anyone that broke these rules had to drink a shot of Bacardi 151:

• No feeling sorry for me. We are here to celebrate our relationships, not offer pity.
  
• No calling my wife names or making fun of her. We are not here to berate her.
  
• No talking about my relationship with my wife, the past, or what led up to the divorce. We are not here to dwell on the past, but rather celebrate the future.

Needless to say, I had a few 151's that night. After my second, however, it was enough of a deterrent to remember to follow these rules. All in all, the party was great - and it helped to get me back on track understanding what I needed to do to set my life straight. Try it; I hope it works for you.

Check It Out: Darn Divorce

Slightly silly and occasionally cynical, Darn Divorce is one blogger's collection of news, stories, and opinions on "the dreaded D word".

The blog's commentary on divorce-related topics is relevant, interesting, and entertaining. I don't necessarily agree with everything on the blog, but I find most of the posts worth reading. The blog contains a number of interesting posts that relate to different aspects of divorce ranging from parenting, dealing with your ex, moving, splitting posessions, and of the like. Additionally, stories from the news that relate to divorce are detailed and comments on as well.

The blog helps provide insight into what the experience of divorce is for different people, and at different levels. If you want to learn more about the blog, feel free to visit their about page or check the out at http://www.darndivorce.com.

Guy Getting Divorced's 25 Laws of Evolution

As part of my personal evolution from unhappily-married husband to empowered single-guy-to-be, I have found a number of themes or guiding principals that have helped me transform my life. During my journey through divorce, I have devoured as much knowledge as time would allow on subjects ranging from divorce and dating to sexuality and social dynamics to spirituality and emotional well being. While consuming this knowledge, I found a number of common traits, ideals, and themes describing approaches to and benefits derived from empowerment. It is through the consumption of these ideals that I have written the "25 Laws of Evolution" for men experiencing divorce.

These "laws" will be the subjects of future blog entries, and I will write about them in order. As I said in my introduction, I will work to write about two or three of these ideals per week. Building this list and working through it has taken me quite a while. Now that this iteration is complete, though, I am excited about continuing my journey through divorce and measuring what I can accomplish in my life by living through these ideals.

Guy Getting Divorced's 25 Laws to Empowerment

1. Accept Responsibility. I will accept responsibility for my life and station, as everything in my life is caused by my interactions with the world and the people in it. I will not seek to blame people or external circumstances for my life and the events in it. Instead, I will be empowered by the responsibility I am willing to shoulder.
2. Measurement is Empowering. In order to evolve constructively, I must remember where I started, acknowledge the roads taken, and consistently measure my progress. Intelligent evolution cannot occur without consistent and accurate personal measurement.
3. Establish a Support System. As I work to transform my life, I will ask my family and friends for their love, strength, and support. I will communicate the seriousness of this request and explain what specific acts of support I require.
4. Stop Complaining. I will refrain from complaining about my situation or station in life, as I recognize that complaints do not empower me to be my "best self". I will not judge myself when I do complain, and will increase my self-awareness to recognize the behavior and pre-empt it.
5. Be Impeccable with Your Appearance. I will master my appearance and groom/clothe with impeccable regularity as I understand that a neat, stylish appearance will have a positive impact on how I view myself and others view me.
6. Find and Embrace Your Best Self. I will collect, understand, and embrace the best qualities of myself with the understanding that at my best self, I maximize my power, presence, and effectiveness in the world.
7. Document and Visualize Your Goals. I will take time to document my goals and on a daily basis visualize what my life would be like with these goals realized. I will work to establish these goals by asking myself if my actions are congruent with my desired end results.
8. Be Present and Accountable. I will focus on my immediate universe, be present and involved in the experiences around me, and accountable to my behavior and actions. I will view accountability as a form of empowerment.
9. Redefine Failure. I will redefine failure as an opportunity to learn from my experiences, and remove any judgement, guilt, or resentment from these opportunities. In my life, failure is an opportunity to measure progress and measurement provides opportunities to learn.
10. Honor Your Physical Health. I will honor my physical health with the realization that my physical health must super cede my mental and spiritual health. I will exercise, improve my diet, and remove any health-related "bad habits" that may exist in my life.
11. Identify and Eliminate Blocking Beliefs. I will document and rid myself of the beliefs I currently perpetuate that fly in direct conflict with my goals, aspirations, and empowering self-image. I will question these beliefs, express in a positive, grounded way why these beliefs no longer apply in my life, and expunge them from my personality.
12. Abandon Approval. I will stop using approval to achieve status with others, and stop seeking approval from others as a way to validate my self worth. I will abandon approval as a tool for creating and sustaining relationships, and become self-aware of when my behavior is approval seeking. I will recognize that approval perpetuates victimization.
13. Discover Your Purpose. I will discover my purpose in life and examine how I can incorporate this purpose in all important aspects of my interactions with the people around me. Knowing and living up to my purpose will keep me grounded, focused, and centered to accomplish the goals in my life.
14. Learn to be Selfish. I will learn to value myself over others in a way that honors my purpose and empowers those around me to appreciate my value. I will work to improve, nurture, and impact myself in positive ways every day understanding that if my needs are not met, I cannot be effective in my life on a consistent basis.
15. Respect Your Time. I will learn to value my time over the time of others, and structure my life so that I have time to address personal needs, wants, and desires. I will make time educate myself, honor my health, and nurture my needs before tending to the needs of others.
16. Reinvent Rejection. I will abandon the idea that rejection has the ability to define me, and confront any fears of rejection with intent, passion, and purpose. I will reinvent rejection as an opportunity to risk for reward, instead of risk for failure.
17. Value the Learning Cycle. I will focus on the learning and the journey associated with acquiring new skill and experience, instead of placing value on the end result of this journey.
18. Contribute Compassion. I will learn to express compassion to those people around me, and recognize that compassion is the foundation for confidence.
19. Embrace Sexuality. I will embrace my sexuality, and look to establish and improve my sexual awareness and confidence. I will clearly define my sexual needs, and pursue relationships where those needs are met in a connected, empowering way for myself and my partner.
20. Radiate Value. I will radiate my value to the people around me beginning with my posture, continuing with my appearance, and ending with my verbal and non-verbal communication. The value and confidence I posses will be clearly communicated, easy to infer, and resonate with others.
21. Accomplish Forgiveness. I will learn to forgive myself and others, recognizing that the emotions associated with anger, resentment, stubbornness, and pride cause more harm to my well being than good. Being "right" about an injury or grievance clouds my self-image and worth and impedes my ability to empower. I can choose to forgive, but still remember without inflicting myself harm.
22. Set and Enforce Boundaries. I will establish clear boundaries for myself and others to respect. These boundaries will create a private, safe, and personal space where I can express myself without fear, tentativeness, or remorse. I will enforce these boundaries when they are tested because I recognize the value they provide.
23. Invest in Relationship Values. I will dedicate part of my time to finding, consuming, and assimilating "relationship values" with the idea that in order to sustain any type of relationship, my values must be congruent with my needs, goals, and partners. As my needs change, I will need to update and adjust both my values and how they are practiced.
24. Establish and Calibrate Congruence. I will learn to be self aware, and work to maintain a congruent internal and external image. As my external image deviates from my internal set of beliefs, I will calibrate my image to ensure that I am congruent with my beliefs, goals, and value.
25. Practice Empowerment Daily. I will set aside time on a daily basis to consistently practice personal empowerment, recognizing that anything of value in life requires passion, commitment, and intent to be attained. As I value myself over all others, I will invest in myself be practicing empowerment on a daily basis.

Maybe laws is too strong a word. It is my experience, though, that each of these principals can help ground you as you work through major changes in your life. Divorce for men is so often characterized as a debilitating, devastating process and experience filled with loss, betrayal, and anger. Well, it is these things; and worse sometimes. As men, however, we do not need to let these negative, deconstructive emotions define how we view ourselves or interact with the world. We are, quite simply, better than that. That being said, it is my hope that these laws can help other men break this reactive cycle, and look to better themselves through this experience. As the saying goes, "what does not break me makes me stronger."

So Your Marriage Has Turned To....

If you are current going or have been through a divorce, then this clip should make you laugh. It's a segment of the Gary Shandling Show in which Hank, Gary's sidekick, hits "rock bottom" from his divorce. He's self destructive, self-pitying, self-absorbed, and self-loathing to the point where he says "he wants to end this!" Artie, the show's producer, responds by giving Hank some tough love to help bring him back from the brink and to his senses.

The Gary Shandling Show: The Divorce Gun Pt. 2

At one point or another, some of us have been here (ok, well, not quite here but in a position where we felt the bottom of our life with the balls of our feet). Everything's impossible. Nothing is clear. Focus is a memory, and "self-pity on the rocks" is the only drink in the 'fridge.

In these moments, it is the love, support, and encouragement of the people around of that help break the self-defeating cycles we trap ourselves in. Something to remember is that "encouragement", though, can wear many faces. In this case, it's a 9mm Beretta (watch the clip).

So if you find yourself feeling like this, talk about it. With everyone. Your lawyer. Your accountant. Your family and friends. Random people. Literally, everyone. Be passionate and emotional when you tell your story. Tell them how "sorry" you are, how "bad" you feel, and how "tough" life is right now for you. Eventually, one of two things are going to happen:

1. You will get tired of feeling like this. At some point, you will realize that the pity monster carries a heavy price tag. The reality is that depression carries a significant cost health wise (have you ever been depressed and felt good or energetic?). This point of recognition is different for everyone, and hopefully you hit it sooner than later. You should, though, hit it.
   
2. Your audience will get tired of hearing your story, and seeing you feel like this. It is a critical mass, of sorts. Your friends and family will, at some point, question or challenge you to get your life back on track and to end your depressing, self-defeating behavior. Now, remember this when they do: they have probably let you wallow for months in your "reality of pity and self-doubt". Don't fight it; don't reject it. Embrace it with a "thank you."

Everyone is different, but if you have gone through a divorce or are currently experiencing one then these feelings should be familiar to you. Hopefully you have enough support around you to work through this with friends. It takes courage to try and change your life, because with that there is an acknowledgement that you can fail. Fear of failure can be paralyzing. Remember, though -- you are not alone, tomorrow is another day, and your experiences do not define you.

Check It Out: Divorced Dads Matter

If you are a father working through a divorce, one of the sites that I recommend you visit is divorceddadsmatter.com. The site, in the author's own words, was:

"..started by a typical father who was, and is still, constantly amazed at the prevailing social view of father’s as secondary parents and the court systems approval of this attitude. Divorced Dads Matter seeks to offer support, information, and a voice for good fathers that simply want to love and be a meaningful part of their children’s lives. This is not an organization. This is not a legal service. This is just one person’s attempt to shed light on the injustice that father’s often face during divorce and custody rights litigation and post-divorce issues faced by single fathers and fathers in new relationships. All reasonable perspectives are welcome regardless of age, race, sexual identity, creed, or religion. Fatherhood is fatherhood, and all tolerant fathers opinions, needs, and voices are welcome here."

A complete description of what http://divorceddadsmatter.com is about can be found on their about page. If you want to learn more, please visit it and read in the author's own words why the site was started, and what was his motivation. If you are a father struggling with fatherhood and divorce or looking to create a tighter bond with your son, then there is something creative, empowering, and informative here for you.