An Open Letter to My Son

Dear Little Man,

You know, there are times when I look at you and I know that when you get older you are going to ask me what happened with our family. Growing up, I was grateful that you were so well adjusted to our separation. You mother and I, regardless of our differences, always agreed that nothing good would come of putting you in the middle of our problems. I will always be grateful for that; even your school teachers said that your behavior in school seemed to get better once we separated and I moved out of the house.

So now that you've become a man, you've asked me several times what happened between us. Each time, I've told you I'll tell you when you're older. When you're old enough to drive; when you're old enough to drink. Well, I'm sorry; I still don't think the time is right for you to know the details. One of the things I have always done is honored your mother for you, just as she has done for me. Our problems remain our problems; and this is something that you will need to learn to accept over time. When we are peers and you have been married, had a child, created a career, and carved your place in life then we can talk about this. As corny as it sounds, you still have too much to learn and experience. It's simply not the right time, and I hope you can understand.

Now, with that in mind I want you to live and benefit from my mistakes. I want you to learn from them, and not have to relive them. You've told me about being in love, and how your relationships are getting more serious. I'm happy for you, and excited for the opportunities that are in front of you. A good relationship will enhance your life. It will give you insight into aspects of yourself that hide from the world, and empower you to achieve more. The flip side of that is that a bad relationship will limit you; it will whittle you down to a sliver of yourself. Given who you are, you will know when things are right and when you have a good thing going. Its hard, sometimes though, to understand when things are bad; when it is time to move on. Here is some advice on when / why to move on:

Remember that relationships don't define you. They don't determine who you are. They describe where we are in life, and demonstrate what we value. Its ok for this to change over time, and when it changes its ok to recognize, accept it, and move on. If you find that your relationships define you, then maybe you have forgotten who you are. Don't let that happen.

This is going to sound like a cliche, but sex is not love. Great sex should be celebrated, but it cannot be the basis for a relationship. If you have not experienced this yet, you will soon and will know exactly what I mean (this is one of those things that you will know when you know). Ride it out for however long you can, but be real about what you have. Remember: a kiss is not a contract.

If you find yourself "hoping" your relationship will change, leave. Hope on its own has never changed anything; it certainly cannot change people. If you think that "waiting" for someone to change or that they will "see the light" at some point is noble, think again. In relationships, chumps hope. Now, at some point in your life you may find someone that you feel is worth your "hope" because when things are good, they are better than anything you have lived through or experienced. As a father, I want you to know that this will be your cross to bear, and it will be your choice alone to value this person more than yourself.

Does she say she loves you, but act differently (like she resents you, for example)? What people say and what they do can sometimes be very different. If they are, look out. You want to be with someone that lives congruently; whose actions are aligned with their emotions, thoughts, and goals. If she loves you but likes to put you down, walk away. Does she need to be right or have the last word? Does she feel the need to elevate herself above you (for whatever reason)? Does she put you down when she feels bad? If so, she has contempt for you at some level. Walk away.

Its smart to walk away from a bad thing, and trust your instincts when they tell you something is bad for you. Your instincts are right more often than we give them credit for; respect and hone them. Walking away takes courage and conviction; it takes strength and will. Believe in yourself and trust your instincts.

Nothing is more important than loving, respecting, and nurturing yourself. If you don't love yourself, no one will love you back. If you do not respect yourself, people will not respect you. If you do not nurture yourself, you will not learn, grow, or evolve. I feel that these three things are keys to living; I didn't learn this until my 30's. Hopefully you have learned it already.

Kid, you have always been the greatest gift my life has experienced. I am honored to be your father, and hope your understand the things I am talking about in this letter. I will always be here for you.

With Love and Respect,

Dad

Evolution Example: Where Is Your Wedding Ring These Days?

To this day I think the proudest moment of my life was expressing my wedding vows. I remember the pride and power I felt; almost like a mountain. On that day, I knew my purpose, my reason for breathing, and had this cool confidence that grounded me. Everything seemed to move a bit slower; and while things around me were a little crazy, I never felt consumed or impacted by it. For me, saying my vows culminated the day and made the marriage real for me. Take the ceremony away, forget the reception, and erase the honeymoon. What made the event concretely real for me were the two minutes we used to exchange the vows we wrote for each other. In all my life, I do not think that I have said anything else with so much passion and honesty; and when we were done, it was my wedding ring that for years would server as a reminder of the person I was that day. Of the person I had pledged to be.

Well, my how things change over the years.

So I do not wear my wedding ring any more. To be honest, I do not even know where it is. I stopped wearing it minutes after I told my wife I wanted a divorce and sincerely meant it. Now, one thing about my wedding ring is that it honestly was among my most prized possessions. I took it off maybe five times in all of the years we were together. What it symbolized for me was tangible as well. The ring had an interesting design; there was an inner band to my wedding band that allowed me to "twirl" it with my thumb. I would do this when I was nervous, thinking hard, looking for inspiration, or grounding. When I spun the ring, I could faintly smell the perfume my wife wore on our wedding day (it was powdery, with a touch of flowers). The ring was not expensive, but it represented the resolve and commitment I had regarding out marriage. Thus, it was only fitting that I remove it when my marriage had finally failed.

Hindsight being what it is, I removed my ring originally out of anger and spite. I took it off, and left it on my entertainment center for days. I wanted my wife to see it; I wanted her to understand that I was at the end of our relationship; that she had made a mistake treating me the way that she did. I wanted her to feel hurt when she saw my ring on our shelf, and eventually in my sock drawer. When I moved all my things out of the house, I left my ring on the kitchen table. I refused to take it with me. I wanted her to see that I had abandoned it; that I had abandoned the idea of our marriage. I now realize how wrong and petty I was with that. Divorce is such an ugly, painful process. We end up hurting or trying to hurt each other because of the pain we feel and cause.

So if you are curious when it is appropriate to remove your wedding ring, remember that this decision should not be trite or trivial. The ring represents something you vowed to own, an ideal that you chose to live up to. Removing the ring is a broken promise. It is a resounding "no", and (chances are) something that will at least initially hurt your spouse. It is a rejection. But rather than look at this act as the end of your relationship, chose to view it as the continuation or evolution of your life. Removing your ring is the start of something new; the announcement that in the face of no evidence you are will to change your life. Be empowered by this experience, and do not look upon it with guilt. Think about the following:

• Your wedding ring is not an obligation; it is a pledge or oath of commitment. If you feel that, for whatever reason, you cannot live up to the ideals that embody your ring and marriage, then remove it. Don't live a lie; it will hurt you more than you will understand in the moment.
  
• If you no longer honor or respect your spouse, remove it. You cannot have a relationship without these emotions and values; pretending that you can only perpetuates the painful.
  
• If you look at your ring resentfully, remove it. Remember that the ring can be a symbol. Remember that your ring represents your relationship and spouse. If you look at your ring and feel overwhelming resentment then consider taking it off.
  
• If the negative aspects of your marriage have begun to define how you feel about yourself, remove it. Over time, we sometimes define ourselves not by who we are, but rather by the circumstances around us. We convince ourselves that we are good people when things go well, and bad people when they do not. This is not reality; its conformity.

For me, my ring originally represented the ideals behind which I chose to marry. It was an iconographic representation of how I wanted to measure my relationship. Over time, though, that ideal changed to one of commitment, then responsibility, then obligation, and eventually debt. In a marriage, you should not feel obligated to your spouse. In life, we have “get to” opportunities; things that we do not have to do, but rather choose to do. Marriage, in my view, is not a “have to”; it’s a “get to”. Obligations indicate a lack of choice; well, marriage is a choice; commitment is a choice. When marriage becomes a “have to” is a sign that problems exist.Now, in divorce, we experience a n array of negative emotions typically associated with loss; anger, frustration, resentment to name a few. When we feel these emotions, we tend to react. Do not let your wedding ring removal be a reaction to something your spouse has done. Let it be a decision or choice that you have made which defines the direction you have chosen in life. Removing your ring should not be the end of your marriage; it should represent the beginning of your new life.

When I removed my ring, I was sad; but I knew it was right. When I look back on the experience and get through the anger I had, the hurt I felt, and the resentment that filled me, part of me immediately acknowledged that it was time. It was right. It was the first step in my evolution. Did I miss it? Yes, of course. Even today, I still find myself looking at my ring finger and seeing if there is a faint tan line / outline left (there isn't). But now, I recognize and understand that I missed the idea behind my relationship; not my spouse or the relationship we had. When I missed the ring, I missed the connected moments we had as equals and vulnerable, giving partners. Well, life moves on. You have to be willing to move with it, or it will leave you behind.

Check It Out: Yahoo! Answers (Marriage & Divorce)

Ok, so I'll admit it. I am a big fan of Yahoo Answers; specifically their Marriage & Divorce section. The questions are real, and the perspectives from men and women are raw, truthful, honest, and even funny. Like anything else, you should pick and choose what works for you, and not "trust everything you read."

Yahoo answers allows users to post questions in a semi-anonymous manner which can promote uninhibited contributions from the user base. Questions cover a broad range of subjects: anything from "what will save my marriage", to "is he cheating on me", to "what are the keys to a successful marriage or divorce". Answers follow the same trend; some are witty, some are brutally honest, and others can simply waste your time. In the midst of this communication, some questions and answers remind us that these people experience the same struggles we do. They are insecure about the same things, fear the same consequences, and hope for the same dreams and outcomes in their relationships.

So if you are looking to learn how to talk about your divorce or seek help but are unwilling or unable to speak with someone, visit Yahoo Answers. Read the questions, and check out the best answers. Be a consumer about the advice you pull (remember, not everything you'll read is going to be good), and look for value that is applicable to your situation. Post a question, and if you do not want to use your current Yahoo Id register and create a new one. Anonymity can be empowering, after all.

Check It Out: Divorce and Evolution Yahoo! Group

I want to announce the creation of the "Divorce and Evolution Yahoo! Group" web site. I have added a link to the site to the "On the Web" sidebar (displayed to the right). You can also access the Yahoo! group at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/divorceandevolution/.

My hope is that the group becomes a place where people going through the divorce (both men and women) can post their stories, share their pictures, ask questions, and support each other in a compassionate but honest way without fear of judgment. Check it out and subscribe to the group.

Evolution Example: Plan A Divorce Party

Let me share with you a little bit about my divorce story.

Right before I moved out of my home and began our separation, I found out a number of disturbing things about my wife. I found out that she had tried to cheat on me at least once; that she had secretly been planning our divorce behind my back for months; and that she had hidden money from our joint savings account into her own personal account. On top of this, I found out that she had begun recording our conversations, and my interactions with my son (presumably, for the purpose of achieving leverage of some kind). I will be frank here; I was devastated. Depressed already by the fact that we were getting divorced, I felt betrayed and humiliated by what I was learning. She clearly did not respect me; if anything, she resented me as a husband. My contributions to our relationship were not appreciated or recognized. And at every turn, she began to paint herself the victim in this process - even though she had put events in motion months ago.

Here I was. Depressed. Angry. Upset. Empty. Drained. Devastated. Neglected. Loathing myself, and taking heaping mounds of self-pity on a daily basis to make things worse. Smoking one and a half packs of cigarettes a day. Crying for no reason. Sleeping barely. Hardly able to work and focus on anything more than "what did I do to deserve this and why is this happening to me I don't understand I must be worthless why do I still love her what is going to happen to me".

In speaking with my best friend, I had a moment of clarity and asked him for a favor.

"Dude, I need you to do something for me. I think this might help."
"Sure man, anything. You name it. Just name it. I hate seeing you like this." You could hear the anguish in his voice; he was sad to see me in so much pain, and clearly wanted to help.
"I want you to get our friends together and throw me a divorce party."
"A what?" He was puzzled, but curious in a "you've got to be kidding me" kind of way.
"Dude, just get our friends together at our favorite bar on Friday. Tell them it's a divorce party. The rest will take care of itself." I was very serious with these words, so he knew I was not joking. I wanted to see my friends, and have my friends see me as well.
"You got it. Hang in there, bud." His voice had changed at this point; he had a way to help that he understood. MBF and I had been through quite a bit at work, and I recognized that he decided to use his "let's get this done" voice.

The next week, MBF set up an eVite for my "Divorce Party". The day before the party, I went to Banana Republic and bought a new outfit. New boots, jeans, cool shirt, cologne, belt, socks. The works, basically. I wanted to look good, and take pride in my appearance (the last thing I wanted to do was show people how I had been feeling through my clothes). The whole experience of shopping for the outfit was interesting. I told the girls at the banana "Listen, I need an outfit. My friends are throwing a divorce party for me, and I want to look great." They chuckled, and were very helpful. Honestly, it was nice being open about this -- it was my first time discussing my divorce publicly outside of my circle of close friends and family.

The week leading up to the party, monitoring the guest list on eVite was like watching a stock climb; it was just one of the best things for me. Every day, a few more people we RSVP. Those that could make it were excited about it; those that could not always had encouraging words to share. First it was 5, then 10, then 15, 18, 24, 28. The day of the party, over 35 people showed up at our favorite bar. It made me cry, seeing how many people decided to come out and show their support. It also enlightened me, and showed me that divorce (like any other experience) can be empowering. This was not a "let's feel sorry for the divorced guy" party. Instead, it was a celebration of friendship, where my friends each took time to express their care and affection for me. They stood up for me; they told me that things would be ok; and offered their love, support, and guidance.

The party was perfect; exactly what I needed. I will never forget that evening, the people that came, and how happy everyone was to see each other. I hugged and kissed everyone goodbye, and said "thank you for coming." I think that was the first solid night of sleep I had in weeks.

So here is my advice to you. If you have not had one already, ask your friends to plan a divorce party for you. The divorce party is an opportunity to shed your negative feelings about the process, and embrace the positive aspects of your relationships with your friends. You can also be a little selfish, which is always a good thing during these times. Here are some things to remember:

• Plan the party in advance so that you can pull together the largest group possible.
  
• Use eVite or some other invitation site to manage RSVPs.
• Ask your best friend or some friend that you trust to coordinate the party for you.
• Buy a new outfit, get a haircut, and look your absolute best for the party.
  
• Let people buy you drinks, but do not drink your sorrows away. If anything, drink to embrace your friendships and celebrate the time you are spending together.

At my party, I had three rules that I told everyone. These rules needed to be followed, and anyone that broke these rules had to drink a shot of Bacardi 151:

• No feeling sorry for me. We are here to celebrate our relationships, not offer pity.
  
• No calling my wife names or making fun of her. We are not here to berate her.
  
• No talking about my relationship with my wife, the past, or what led up to the divorce. We are not here to dwell on the past, but rather celebrate the future.

Needless to say, I had a few 151's that night. After my second, however, it was enough of a deterrent to remember to follow these rules. All in all, the party was great - and it helped to get me back on track understanding what I needed to do to set my life straight. Try it; I hope it works for you.

Law of Evolution #3: Establish a Support System

Evolutionary Law #3: Establish a Support System. As I work to transform my life, I will ask my family and friends for their love, strength, and support. I will communicate the seriousness of this request and explain what specific acts of support I require.

Part of being responsible in life means that we must identify and meet important personal needs. As we travel through our divorce experience, everyone will agree that our needs change; in certain cases, rather drastically. Some people can handle these changes on their own. Some, however, cannot and require guidance or assistance. In either case, the earlier in a divorce that a support system of family, friends, and activities is established, the better the chances are that you can move on with your life.

When I first started meeting other people that were experiencing divorce, I would respond to their story the same way that people responded to mine. "How are you holding up?", "I'm so sorry", "It's a difficult process", "That's horrible", "Hang in there", "Be strong" were some of the things said. My comments would evoke sympathy and empathy, partly because that is what I wanted them to feel, but also partly because that is what I thought they wanted to hear as well. It's funny; when you tell someone that you're going through a divorce, what's the first thing they respond with? "I'm sorry", usually. This is typical of how divorce is viewed socially, and while the sympathy has its place, this can also perpetuate negative aspects of this experience. Empathy and sympathy can be, but are not always supportive and empowering Sometimes, we all need a kick in the pants. This led me to ask if I truly wanted to be supportive of someone getting divorced, what would that look like? If someone wanted empowering support to get through their divorce, what would they ask for?

Now, when I meet someone that is getting divorced the first question I ask them is "Do you have a support system?" This is usually met with an odd look, followed usually by "What do you mean?" Most men I speak to about this feel supported, but have a difficult time explaining how. Well, a support system is a network of friends, family, peers, and activities designed to help you transition your life from unhappily-married-husband to empowered-single-guy. The system should help keep you on the path of empowerment and responsibility. The initial experience of some men in divorce is often very reactive. Some men just "go with the flow", and try to live their lives while experiencing the interruptions that divorce brings. This adds to the angst, as the reactive nature of this interaction enhances the "loss of control" feelings that divorce drops on us.

To establish a support system, men must first understand what kind of support they require. This is the key aspect to this law. To ask the question "what type of support do I need", we must assess our current situation, and find out where our life will change the most as a result of the divorce decision. Ask yourself, for example, questions like these:

• If you are moving out, do you need to find a new or temporary place to live?
• What is your job situation? Can your work be flexible given your situation?
• Do you have children? If you will be visiting them, do you need a place to spend time with them outside of their residence? Will you be taking primary custody of your children?
• How are your finances organized? Do you have money for legal fees? Do you know what new expenses will be incurred as a result of the divorce? Can you afford it?
• How large is your circle of friends? Do you have male and female friends that you can talk to, or spend time with? What friends do you trust?
• Do you have an attorney? Do you have a therapist? Have you been to the doctor recently, or had a checkup in the last six months?
• What are your plans for your marriage? Do you want to reconcile? Is your partner open to this? If so, do you have a counselor that you can both go to?
• If you want to get divorced, do you have any plans for your new life? Are there any new goals you want to accomplish? If so, what are they; and what do you need to accomplish them?

It's important to think about and consider what you want and need before you ask friends and family for support. Think about your own experiences with people asking you for help. When someone is prepared, has a plan, and asks you for assistance, are you not you more inclined to help them? Well, this works the same way. Being prepared and asking for specific help shows that you are serious about moving on and changing your life. It speaks to the level of control that you are looking to exert. People find this empowering, and it is easier to enroll someone to help you from this standpoint compared to "Umm, my life is about to get real hard. Can you help me?" That being said, here are some things to consider when asking family and friends for help:

• Before you ask, have a firm idea of what your family and friends can each best help you with and play to their strengths. This means, for example, do not ask your broke father for money. Do not ask your brother (whose wife just had a baby in a two bedroom apartment) if he has room to take you in. Do not ask your boss for more vacation/leave time if you have already taken your fill. My point here is that in each of these scenarios, failure was already pre-determined because the situations did not lend themselves to success or even negotiation. Your father cannot manufacture money he does not have. Your brother just had a baby; he does not need to take care of you as well. Your boss has already given you leave; asking for more may make you appear weak or selfish in his eyes (not a great perspective to be viewed at from your boss).
  
• When you ask for something, be ok with a "no" before asking. Even though you are getting divorced, your problems do not outweigh the considerations of your friends and family. That being said, you may be rejected - especially from people you least expect. Before you ask for anything, be clear with yourself that your friends and family have the right to say "no", and that this does not reflect negatively on them. Do not pass judgment on them; just as you do not want to be judged for getting divorced. Remember that, regardless of what they say, these people have chosen to stand by you. Honor that.
  
• Remember, people are watching how to react to your divorce; honor your commitments and responsibilities. To be honest, this is more common sense than anything else. If you borrow money, make sure you pay it back. If you move in with someone, be a good roommate. Don't be late for meetings or events, and always remember to say thank you and be gracious; even if you do not get what you want. Your family and friends are watching how you react to the new challenges in your life. They will talk about it, and work together to either build up or erode the support they have for you. Demonstrate to them that this experience has empowered you.

Support makes any stressful event or experience easier to deal with. With divorce, this is certainly true. To make this work for you, though, you must first really understand what support you need, and then examine who in your world can offer it. The more prepared you are up front with understanding the types of changes that will be expected in your life, the more likely you will come out of this experience intact, empowered, and ready to move on with your life. Lastly, remember that your friends and family are here to help you through this. Let them help in ways that make them comfortable, and show your gratitude. Please and thank you still count for a lot; do not forget that.