Evolution Example: Taking Responsibility

I think the primary evolutionary law for all people regardless of their life, relationships, or situation is to take or accept responsibility for their surroundings. If you want to evolve, its difficult to change or re-direct your life if you are not in control of it. Well, when you absolve yourself of responsibility, you also relinquish your control and place yourself at the mercy of external forces.

Now, this is pretty standard human behavior - so if you currently do this (and you probably do), don't feel odd or awkward about it. There are no judgments here. The great thing about evolution is that it is an ongoing, continuous process with no end. No one ever stops and says "I'm all evolved out.", right? The important this, however, is to recognize when you are accepting responsibility for your actions, and when you are absolving yourself of it.

Sounds simple enough, right? Well, not quite. I have the following exercise I recommend for everyone to take part in. The exercise requires that you document a list of responsible statements specific to a given situation or outcome in your life. Here are the rules:

• Define scope for the exercise. Before you begin with statements, you need to define a tight/narrow scope for which the statements will apply. The tighter the scope, the more specific you can be with your statements. Good examples of this include "Why my marriage failed", "Why I am unhappy at work", "Why my relationships always end quickly", etc. Bad examples include "Why my life sucks", "Why people hate me", and "Why is life so hard". Remember -- the more specific the better.
• No put downs or judgemental statements are allowed. Remember that these statements need to be empowering, and provide real, honest, vulnerable insight into a given situation. Saying "My marriage failed because I suck." is not empowering. Saying "My marriage failed because I was afraid to be vulnerable with my feelings and emotions", however, is because it gives you something to work with for the future.
• Focus on quality vs. quantity. It's better to have a handful of honest, vulnerable, and revealing statements than to have a large list of filler that do not give you any new insight or visibility into your life. The key, here, is to be honest and reflective about what really happened. If you need to involve friends or other people to gain this clarity then do it; the more help and support you have, the better off you will be. The more insightful the statement, the more powerful you will feel -- and that power can then be harnessed to change the direction of your life.

Here is an example from my life. Please feel free to model yours after mine, and I am open to receiving any feedback from people regarding my list. I don't pretend that my list is complete, but I do know that it is honest and a reflection of what I have learned about myself:

Why my marriage failed,and my role in the failure.
by Guy Getting Divorced (divorceandevolving@gmail.com)

1. I failed to articulate what my needs were in our relationship.
2. I did not define boundaries between my wife and I to help describe what was acceptable to me, and what was not regarding her behavior and participation in our relationship.
3. I did not attempt to meet her needs, and shunned them when I felt violated or abused.
4. I chose the wrong person to marry.
5. I reacted without thinking to her, allowing myself to be manipulated by my wife's unhappiness.
6. I took responsibility for my wife's unhappiness, instead of recognizing that her feelings and emotions were her responsibility and while I could trigger them, she was ultimately in control of them.
7. I did not pay attention to the subtext of my wife's communication with me. I did not read her body language, mannerisms, or her verbal communication and use this as an indicator of where our relationship was.
8. I felt obligated to shoulder the blame for our relationship falling apart.
9. I avoided interactions with my wife as a way to avoid the stress, anger, and anxiety that existed between us.
10. I over-worked, thinking that money could be used as a way to seek the approval or acceptance of my wife given the strife that existed between us.
11. I focused too much on my wife's happiness, and neglected my own.
12. I neglected my health and well being, especially towards the end of my marriage.
13. I neglected my self image, and purposely lost the will to groom and be impeccable with my looks and appearance. I did this as a reaction to how I felt inside, and this helped push my wife further from me.
14. I based my feelings of self-worth on my wife and her negative perception of me.
15. I failed to lead our relationship, and instead was happy maintaining the status quo as long as we did not have any visible conflict between us.

What I learned, through this exercise, was that I basically gave my power away. I allowed the events outside of my life to define how I felt about myself and who I was. Hindsight being what it is, this explained allot to me about why things failed. It also shed light on what I can do to evolve out of this unhealthy, demeaning, and subversive condition.

So now its your turn. Do this on your own. If you want, post your lists to this thread. Seek feedback from other people, and be open to their comments and statements. You don't have to like what they say, or even honor it for that matter. But being open to it, however, is a symbol of evolution in itself. It shows that you are looking for change, but not without purpose, merit, or value.