Evolution Example: What I Learned the Past 30 Days

Well, I'm been away from the blog for a while (my last post was over a month ago). During this time, I found myself straying from my "Laws of Evolution". It was funny since I have invested quite a bit in researching and articulating these laws. I believe in them implicitly. They work, provided that you can maintain the discipline and commitment necessary to follow through on them.

And there, in a nutshell, was my problem the last month. Too little discipline. Not enough commitment. Too much immediate gratification. Too much reaction. Not enough planning. Too much "need" for approval. Not enough forgiveness. Too much judgment.

So a few days ago, I received a comment to Law #5: Be Impeccable With Your Appearance. In the comment, dreamer asked if I follow my own advice? Well, to be honest. Yes, I really do. But unfortunately, not always. The considerations of life inevitably have a way to interrupt what you want and sometimes when this happens, commitment and discipline is not enough. Sometimes, you have to stick your finger in the dam and wait. Other times, you choose to ignore what has worked for you. You get in ruts, so to speak; like the one I was in this past month.

I was recently served divorce papers from my wife (her attorney sent them to my attorney), and while I was relieved that we had reached another milestone, the act of reading the papers and seeing this brought up emotions in me that I had not felt in a while. Remorse. Regret. Anger. Resentment. Guilt. Each of these emotions added up to a healthy dose of self-pity that had me doubting myself, my worth, and power. This was evident to me more and more in my day-to-day activities as well. I stopped going to the gym regularly; my workouts were inconsistent. My motivation was waning towards work and personal events. I began to respect my diet less, and would not practice discipline when eating (I work to and believe in eating healthy). I would procrastinate; satisfying my need for immediate gratification first. I started smoking again (after not smoking since March / 2007).

Then, one day, a great thing happened. I woke up, and just felt tired of being sub-par. While I was in a rut, I was at least disciplined enough to recognize it for what it was: something I did have control over. I could change this; I just needed to maintain my discipline, focus, and commitment. Rather than beat myself up over this or judge myself harshly, I recognized this time in my life for what it was. A hiccup: nothing more, nothing less. There was nothing to feel guilty about; nothing to beat-myself-up over. We're fallible, after all; this cannot be ignored.

I've started working out regularly again. I'm prioritizing the things in my life. I'm back to blogging (which I love and missed), and I am working to eliminate the need for immediate gratification in my life. I've quit smoking yet again. Every day, I try and build a little more positive momentum and energy than I had the previous one. Does it work all the time? Of course not. But the more I practice it, the more it does work. The laws do have value. Like with anything, it just takes a few key things to make them pay off for you. So when you find yourself in a rut and cannot seem to over come it, remember:

• Clearly define your expectations. Expectations count; they matter. When you live up to them you feel great; when you don't events can be perceived as a failure. If you want to change your life and break out of a rut, start by doing little things differently. Little things are much more manageable than large events, and the momentum you build with each individual success story will improve your confidence and ability to do more.
  
  
• Plan out your accomplishments. Remember, measurement is empowering and is the best way to identify if you are doing what is important to you. That being said, plan out a list of daily / weekly accomplishments you would like to execute on, and track what gets done. You cannot complete what you do not know or plan.
  
  
• Be congruent. Congruence means that your actions are aligned with your goals (ex. if you want to stop smoking, you'll stop buying cigarettes; if you want to lose weight, you'll eat better and exercise). Every day, you should check for congruence in your life. If you have it, then you are on your way to accomplishing your goals. If not, then you should reconsider their priority.
  
  
• Reserve judgment. While it is important to measure your progress and be critical of it, do not make the mistake of blaming yourself or holding yourself in low esteem because of a lack of personal progress. Nothing good comes of this. Absolutely nothing. Instead of passing judgment on yourself, take a moment to learn from your life events and apply that knowledge to further yourself.

Now I know this is much easier to talk about than it is to practice every day. Sometimes, all we can do is react. It is important to recognize, however, that we do have choices. We all have options; and how we perform in life (both personally and professionally) is tied to directly to the choices we make. Our relationships, our careers, and our growth is tied to this. So, do not take this for granted. Remember: not doing anything is a choice, and one that rarely gets us what we want.

Law of Evolution #5: Be Impeccable With Your Appearance

Evolutionary Law #5: Be Impeccable with Your Appearance. I will master my appearance and groom/clothe with impeccable regularity as I understand that a neat, stylish appearance will have a positive impact on how I view myself and others view me.

So far, most of what I have written about deals primarily with abstract concepts that you can apply to your life. "Accepting Responsibility", "Measurement is Empowering", and "Stop Complaining" all contain instructions on things to do to change you life during your divorce, but focus more on inner changes rather than external ones. These types of changes can be challenging to perform on a daily basis. Well, here is a law that is fun to practice and should catapult you to achieve with the other Twenty-Five Laws of Evolution.

When we feel poorly about anything it usually first shows up in our appearance. Think about when we get sick, or look at how people dress at wakes and funerals or other mournful occasions. We care less about the details involved with your appearance as some sort of trade-off for feeling bad or depressed. It is a way for us to announce that something is wrong and to create space between us and the rest of the world as if to say "I choose to be alone right now". Before too long, our posture changes; we slump over and do not own our space. We choose not to make eye contact with people, partly out of how we feel as well as because we know our appearance is flawed. We choose to not project our voice, so as not to garner attention to ourselves. This behavior is completely natural, but if not monitored it can quickly spiral into the first stages of establishing a negative self-image.

As people, we never forget what it feels like to "feel and look good" just as we always remember how it is to "feel bad". Think through your history to moments where you looked your best. Sure, you looked in a mirror and got feedback from your family and friends that said you looked great. Intuitively, however, you knew it. We recognize it, because when this happens it causes a shift in ourselves that breathes confidence and conviction into our bodies and personalities. When we look good, we stand taller; straighter. We make eye contact with others. We are more vocal with our voices; they project more, and we own the space beneath our feet. Everyone has moments like this in their life; whether their appearance was a catalyst for everything in their body and personality coming together as their "best self."

During a divorce, we go through a grieving process to acknowledge the end of our relationship. Marriages and family relationships are living, breathing things. When one ends, it very much mirrors the death of something, and our body and personality react to it as such. Sure, we may be angry, sad, or bitter; there may be a whole slew of other emotions that we conflict ourselves with during this process. But we grieve since the divorce signifies the end of something that we once loved, lived and suffered through, or wish that we could change. The relationship has finally come to an end. The reasons really do not matter; what matters is the recognition that the grief is real, and that this can lead to neglecting our appearance and well being.

In order to break this cycle and continue evolving through your divorce, consider looking at this differently. Your divorce experience should be severed from physical appearance; there should be no connection between the two. Instead, your divorce should be viewed as an opportunity to leave your past behind you and re-invent and discover your "best self". That being said, be empowered by this and make time to establish your own personal sense of style. Now, by doing this I am not suggesting that you spend money on expensive clothes, cologne, or treatments. This is not about being concerned with how people perceive the value of your appearance. If you have money, the easy thing to do is spend it on expense clothes and accessories that people will be impressed with. Rather, this is about you demonstrating to yourself that you value your appearance and establish a sense of style and worth that permeates your being. This is something that money cannot buy. That being said, here are some things you can do to transform your appearance.

1. First things first: Grooming is key; get haircuts regularly. Now, if you like shaggy, then be shaggy. Make sure that your haircut makes you feel good, and that people react to it the way you want. If you find yourself saying things like "I hate my hair", "I don't know what to do with it", "I should just cut it all off", or you wear hats frequently to hide your hair then find a stylist or salon and work with them to create your new look (you can find one on Google).
   
   On another note, if you are bald or balding do not hide it. Embrace it, and either ignore or deal with it by finding a look that makes you feel good. Hiding your balding reveals and insecurity that people around you will pick up on. Everyone loses hair, dude.
   
   
2. Teeth and nails should always be clean. Whether you realize it or not, the entire world (and especially women) look at your teeth and nails and establish judgments about you based on how clean and well kept they appear to be. Do you bite your nails? Are your nails dirty? How about your teeth? Do you smoke? Are they yellow? Do your gums look healthy? Are your toe nails often confused with talons or claws? More often than not, every woman you meet asks herself these questions about you. Demonstrating that you take care of your nails and teeth shows that you are detail oriented. This will set you apart from other men.
   
   If you bite your nails, stop. There are a number of treatments that can be used to curb this habit (and coming from a habitual nail biter of 33 years, I can attest that they work). Try this: get a manicure and have your nails buffed. For me, getting a manicure and seeing how good my nails looked after was incentive enough to continue the practice. Yes, this may be a bit metro-sexual. How may compliments, though, have you received about your nails recently?
   
   On the topic of teeth, brush and floss regularly. There are a number of teeth-whitening kits you can buy that work reasonably well and are inexpensive to purchase and implement. Try one if you are unhappy with the color of your teeth. For me, I took a picture of my teeth every three days over three weeks and was able to notice a difference in their color. It takes time and patience, but it does work.
   
   
3. Take pride in being clean. Too often, we rush through things. We take quick showers, forget to wash our hands, are sloppy eaters. Each of these things demonstrate that we take hygiene less seriously than the world around us. Instead of living thinking "I want to be clean enough for me", think "I want to be cleaner than the people around me". Use deodorant regularly, wash your hands often, and eat slowly. In the shower, take time to clean yourself thoroughly. How much? Take enough so that you can feel pride in your cleanliness. Face facts; we know when we are not clean and when we go out in public, those around us can feel it as well.
   
   
4. Bad breath is worse than bad clothes and is rarely forgotten. Ever meet someone with bad breath? Now, think about the moment when you met this someone. Can you remember what they were wearing? Probably not. My point is that having bad breath will label you, and this label is difficult to shake (unless, of course, you can change your breath). You should regularly use a mouthwash, alternating between something that kills bacteria and freshens your breath. Listerine is a great bacteria killer, but can also cause gum recession if overused due to the amount of alcohol in it. Oral B is also good, and alcohol free to boot. Whatever you decide to do, remember this: people will always remember bad breath.
   
   
5. Smell good; people (and especially women) will notice. Another metro-sexualish item to take on is finding a fragrance or cologne that you like the smell of, and wearing it every day. Now, you don't need to shower in it or spray it all over your body. Rather, be subtle with it. Spray some in your clean hands, and place the cologne on your neck, cheeks, and behind your ears (put it in places that when you get close to people's faces, they will smell it). A good cologne that you makes you feel good every day is better than an expensive piece of clothing you only wear once in a while. That being said, do not be afraid to spend a little money on a quality fragrance (fellas, Irish Spring doesn't count).
   
   
6. "Good clothes" does not mean "Expensive clothes"; shop around and shop smart. I meet a lot of men that think that expensive clothes equate to style. I suppose to a certain degree it does, but then I ask them "how do these clothes make you feel?" Very often, the answers I get back are mixed. When I look for good clothes, I focus more on how I look and feel wearing the clothes. The clothes don't have to be expensive; if anything, I find myself moving away from expensive clothes because there are better values available. You just need to know where to look. Clothes should reflect an aspect of your personality that you consider a strength. Brand labels are great; especially at the right price (thank you eBay!). But don't get seduced into thinking that expensive clothes equal style. They don't; if anything, they can be a crutch.
   
   When you're buying clothes, keep things simple. Buy pieces that go with the majority of things in your wardrobe. Stay away from expensive, "cool" pieces that you can't wear very often. Remember that expense does not necessarily mean quality, and that quality should be measured by more than the price tag. Quality now means fabric strength and color, frequency of use, flexibility (what can you wear this with), and the statement it makes on you; in addition to price. A shirt here. Jeans there. Pants. Jacket. Before long, your wardrobe will start coming together. As you add items, make sure to clean out your wardrobe and give to Goodwill or the Salvation Army clothing that you no longer wear but are in good quality (pay it forward).
   
   
7. Learn and love to iron and do laundry. How often do you not wear something because its dirty, or has to go to the cleaners, or because its clean but wrinkled? You know, these are just not acceptable justifications for a lack of style today. It took me years, but I finally learned to do laundry and not shrink, dye, or destroy what I was washing. I also have ironed with starch for years (creases in shirts reflect on you the same way that manicured nails do). Not only will this save you money, but it will increase the flexibility and frequency of your wardrobe. Take pride in this, because as tiny of a detail it may seem it will make a difference for you.
   
   
8. Shoes matter; get a nice pair and learn to polish. Have you ever seen someone dressed very well, but their shoes did not quite match their outfit, or the quality of their shoes seemed mismatched with everything else that was worn? Or how about this; someone walks in with a great look, but the first thing you noticed were his dirty shoes? Very simply, don't be that guy. Shoes matter for a lot, and frankly women look at shoes the same way they look at nails and teeth.
   
   Buy shoes that speak of quality but will also be easy to take care of. If you need to spend some money, go ahead but make sure that you can wear the shoes across your wardrobe (a cool pair of shoes that only goes with a special pair of pants and jacket will spend more time in your closet than on your feet). On that note, learn how to polish shoes using a brush, shoe polish, and a buff cloth. Again, people will notice; you just need to put in the effort.
   
   
9. Honor your health: eat well and exercise. When you think about the things you can do to improve how you feel and look, eating healthy and exercising regularly count for more than anything else discussed here. I have dedicated one of the Twenty-Five Laws of Evolution to this topic because during my divorce, this single most important decision I made was to join a gym and eat better. This, for me, was the catalyst that began my own evolution. The simple fact is what we eat has a huge impact on how we feel and look. If you eat junk food, try to stop. If you drink soda all day, start trying to drink water. Cook food, instead of buying processed food and reheating it. As much as you can change your appearance, changing your diet and exercise habits will have a greater impact on how you feel than anything else you can do.
   
   
10. Understand and practice that impeccable means always. Listen, you don't have to practice these things every day. If you do, however, you'll feel better about yourself. You'll take more pride in your appearance. People around you will notice more. Research has shown that it takes thirty days, roughly, to change a habit in people. If you are looking to change your image, be rigorous and disciplined about practicing these items every day. Groom well. Keep your nails. Brush your teeth. Manage your breath. Smell good. Dress well. Eat healthy. Exercise, if only to take a walk and show the world what its like to feel good. The more you do this, the more it will become part of your everyday routine. There is value in this. Think about it; don't you want your wife to see you feeling good about yourself?

Remember that a clean, healthy, well kept, and vibrant appearance will reap dividends internally, personally, professionally, and socially. Everyone, whether they say it or not, will notice. You will see it in how people look at you and carry themselves around you. Taking pride in your image will nurture your confidence and self-worth as well. Sometimes, in order to change, we need to change on the outside before we can change internally. Its certainly a cliche, but rings true at different moments in our life. Embrace this opportunity to change, and honor yourself by stating that your image matters. It may take time, but you will thank yourself for it.

Law of Evolution #4: Stop Complaining

Evolutionary Law #4: Stop Complaining. I will refrain from complaining about my situation or station in life, as I recognize that complaints do not empower me to be my "best self". I will not judge myself when I do complain, and will increase my self-awareness to recognize the behavior and pre-empt it.

Complaints can be so seductive; they are easy to make, people will always listen to them, and they can even feel good, right? Therapeutic. Validating. Sometimes, we get good advice on how to resolve complaint issues. Sometimes, all we want is sympathy, or empathy. Yes, complaints can create comfort, and they can almost be addicting when we experience major life trauma. The payoffs we get from complaints, however, are a ruse. Completely fake. Fool's gold. The equivalent of emotional cigarettes. They eat at our self-esteem without us even realizing this is occurring. They reduce our power, and perpetuate negative momentum in our lives. They invite you to subscribe to a vision that certain life events are bigger than you or out of your control. In the moment, complaints may create comfort or even seem appropriate. But this feeling is deceptively inaccurate. Complaints are like sugar; they may taste good in the moment, but they erode your self image without you noticing until its too late.

During a divorce, both partners often experience feelings of loss, unfairness, and victimization. Cheating. Lies and deception. Spousal manipulation. Differences of opinion. Loss of time with children. Each of these items seem complaint worthy. As people, after all, we want validation from the world and our peers that the circumstances in our life can be are unfair. Being lied to, after all, is unfair, right?. Not being able to spend time with your children is unfair, right? Being cheated on definitely has to be unfair, right? No one deserves these experiences; no one asks for them. After all, we do not do things to create these experiences in our life; do we? How could this be fair? So what do we do? We complain, because we want validation that these events are unfair and unjust. We want corroboration that we are not responsible for this outcome. We want certainty and empathy that this, quite simply, was not our fault.

Complaints, you see, are framed as acknowledgments that we do not want to take responsibility for our present reality. When we share them with others, they become questions where we, essentially, are asking people to agree with us that "it's not our fault". They become victimization referendums. For every complaint you make, the people around you hear "Am I a victim?" and when they respond affirmatively, they say "Yes you are." How can this be good for our self image? Think about it: what value could really come from us admitting to ourselves that our life events are larger than we can handle? That we are victims? Do you really want to be a "victim" in your divorce? This is why, in order to seek empowerment through divorce, complaints must be minimized, if not eliminated all together.

Now, this can be challenging, if not difficult. It is not, however, impossible. There are four keys to eliminating complaints and managing their frequency:

• Recognize that complaints rob you of your power. Before you can make a choice to change this behavior, it is important to understand why complaints can be debilitating. Complaints do not empower; instead, they promote victimization and anti-responsibility and in doing so, remove you from the choice equation. If you are not responsible, after all, for a given outcome how can you prevent this from occurring in the future?
  
• Increase your self-awareness to recognize your complaint triggers. Very often, certain feelings or scenarios trigger complaints. Maybe someone is often sympathetic towards you and this compels you to complain. Maybe you had a bad day, and someone asked you how your day went. Maybe an event reminded you of a painful experience (like divorce). Whatever they are, recognize these triggers and begin breaking the pattern or habit by choosing not to complain.
  
• Confront complaints with responsibility. Learn how to rephrase complaints with the language of responsibility and ownership. Now this in and of itself can be challenging. Its a necessary part of personal evolution, however. As an example, if you are struggling with why your partner cheated on you, think about what your role in this was? Maybe you simply chose the wrong person to marry. Maybe, you both grew apart over time. For every scenario and situation, though, work to identify your role in the unfair outcome. We can learn from the things we chose to take responsibility for. We can only avoid, however, what victimizes us and hope it does not occur again.
  
• Eliminate judgment, and recognize this is an ongoing process. Evolution rarely occurs in one quick, efficient, and painless step. Rather, it almost always occurs over time and with a cost. Eliminating the need to complain is very similar. A key to success with this task is to eliminate judgment from the process. When you find yourself complaining, simply recognize it and stop. Do not judge yourself, or beat yourself up. Do not feel guilty about complaining. Instead, recognize that your awareness is growing and that you no longer feel the need or respond positively to complaints. Acknowledge your evolution, and embrace it.

Now in the law definition, I mention the concept of your "best" self. This idea behind this is that we, as human beings, are at our best when we "give"; when we are selfless. Well, if giving helps perpetuate our "best" self, then complaining does just the opposite. One thing to recognize is that when you complain, you "take" from others; you are selfish. Sometimes you take sympathy, other times you take attention, energy, or even power. Have you ever been in a group where the energy is high, everyone is feeling great, and then someone starts complaining? What happens to the energy of the group? Typically, it wains until the complainer stops or leaves. Well, don't be that person any more. Stop taking. Stop complaining, and see what happens with you and the people around you.

Check It Out: Divorce and Evolution Yahoo! Group

I want to announce the creation of the "Divorce and Evolution Yahoo! Group" web site. I have added a link to the site to the "On the Web" sidebar (displayed to the right). You can also access the Yahoo! group at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/divorceandevolution/.

My hope is that the group becomes a place where people going through the divorce (both men and women) can post their stories, share their pictures, ask questions, and support each other in a compassionate but honest way without fear of judgment. Check it out and subscribe to the group.

Check It Out: Fear Of Flying? Oh Hell No!

So this, apparently, is how the "other side" copes with divorce. Doing some research yesterday, I ran into a blog titled "Fear of Flying? Oh Hell No!" In the words of the author:

Time for a BitchFest by Flying Solo
Why the fuck do some people think they need to feel sorry for me right now? I'm getting a divorce; it's not like anyone DIED! This is such a weird place I am in right now though. My friends are either hooked up in couples or are so far immersed into the single life that they aren't sure whether to start inviting me along or not and so I get shoved into the corner. I mean just because I am getting a divorce doesn't mean that I'm depressed or crazy or need to be left alone. I mean, this doesn't apply to all of my friends, but fuck, I feel like people just aren't understanding me right now. To some people, I mention the divorce and they clam up and don't want to talk about it (is she going to start crying, am I going to say something to offend - UM, NO!).

I'm still a fucking human being with needs, urges, moods (both happy and sad) and I just feel like so many people are afraid of me right now. I hate that life is so in limbo right now and that I don't have something stable to cling to. I just wish some people would realize that I'm still me - I'm just going through a shitty time and it would be nice to know that they are at least trying to understand me. I just want life to be normal again, but I know it won't be for a very long time to come.

And that, as they say is that. The blog documents Flying Solo's travels on the path of divorce where she writes about dating, men, sex, her relationship with her ex, life, and everything else that comes with it. Her posts are raw and passionate, and she is clearly about being empowered through this experience (which is hot). Men, check it out -- you may learn something about women that you do not know already.